It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
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“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
They did not miss in the small print
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.