just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
You Might Also Like
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”