Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
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Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
decorating my apartment
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.