GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
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Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.