So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
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*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.