A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
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Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.