Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
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I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop