“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
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I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
True
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.