excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.