I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
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I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor