Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
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“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I have so many questions.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
My life coach traded me.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.