Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
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Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.