1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
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A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
i meant to share this earlier
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don鈥檛 yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: 鈥ow do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there鈥檚 still like 3 fries left.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
馃ぃ馃槀
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren鈥檛 rolling yet.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
figuring out my emotional availability:
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I might carry a baby with one hand.
just witnessed a drug deal
If you don鈥檛 know what stage your relationship is in, I鈥檇 recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.