9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
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Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives