If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
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As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT