I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes