Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
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My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’