“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
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My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.