So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
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[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.