[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
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4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!