he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
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A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it鈥檚 not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
*jazz hands*
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever鈥檚 the most difficult to make
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.