I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
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when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
philosophical skeletons be like
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.