My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
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Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.