I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
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It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Omg 🤣
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”