Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
You Might Also Like
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”