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At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Going to church you guys need anything
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I think I’m having a stroke
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Um … Hot Wings please
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere