“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
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That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.