We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
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My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
A great tip. #CakeRex
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
life finds a way
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Not all heroes wear capes…
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.