My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
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moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems