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Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Who chose this font
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly