Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
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how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.