“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
no one ever comes back
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off