I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
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Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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