With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
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{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol