Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
You Might Also Like
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.