Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
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if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
…..pretty much.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.