My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
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SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.