Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
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Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
What?
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.