You Might Also Like
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on