Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
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WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.