My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
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“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.