If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
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If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
This pepper has seen some shit
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!