A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
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How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.