Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
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ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?