I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that