I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
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It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
when nothing goes right… go left
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄