ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
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Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.