Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
You Might Also Like
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I want to meet the individual who made this
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue