“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
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Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Sell your car
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese