[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
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as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.